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Progressive Heroes: Lampoon Continues to Benefit from Old Boys' Network, but They’re Kinda Sad About It

A picture of the Harvard Lampoon castle

CAMBRIDGE, MASS.— In the wake of #MeToo and #TimesUp, the progressive movement has more heroes in its ranks. The Harvard Lampoon continues to benefit from an old boys' network that shovels its writers into the professional comedy world, but current Lampoon members admit they’re kinda sad about it.

Wow, what a courageous stance!

The magazine, a 142-year-old Ivy League publication and elite penis-joke manufacturer, cemented its place among the titans of radical reform in a 60 Minutes piece that aired on CBS Sunday night. When asked whether the Lampoon’s alumni network stifles opportunity for anyone who isn't a smug white guy, or an affluent girl related to one, Lampoon member Tom P. Rutherford '19 dropped his voice down two octaves, adopted a serious countenance, and declared, “We are aware of it, and I can assure you that we messaged two :(( emoticons about it in our secret GroupMe.” Talk about a woke bae!

Forget taking meaningful action—the Lampoon is blazing a new way forward for institutions that admit more dudes named Michael than women: acknowledging it, displaying reserved disappointment, and getting on with their lives! That’s what we call one small step for a Lampoon writer, and one even smaller step for people who are actually funny.

“Sure, I can easily get a job on The Simpsons by calling some old white guy with the personality of a reduced-fat pita chip. And I assure you that it's kind of fucked up,” continued Rutherford. “But if I were to do anything about it, it would start to affect me personally, and that’s where I draw the line.”

What’s next for these reluctant champions of representation in the comedy world? “We’re thinking of replacing the Lampoon flag that flies above the castle with another flag that is just a guy that’s sorta shrugging,” said former Lampoon Narthex Ralph E. Waters '18. “It’s time to stop pretending we don’t benefit from this old boys’ network and start pretending we care.”

Incredible. With their weird humor, coercive practices, and pathological aversion to self-criticism, these young civil rights heroes truly are an inspiration!


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