Satire V has obtained exclusive copies of the first drafts of the now notorious emails between an Owl Club undergrad and member of the grad board. It seems both parties heavily edited their content before sending.
Hello fuckfaces,
I’m gonna use some superfluously esoteric words initially to make sure you know that I’m smart and whatnot, but then I’m gonna be mean to you because you were mean to us so there. Also I’m gonna make sure to mention that we are all men (MEN) several times, just to solidify the masculinity of this mutual temper tantrum. Anyway, pay attention to us !!!!! ! Why don’t you like us?????? Whatever, I don’t even care. Who the fuck even are you? No one. So stop being condescending, we’re big boys we can take care of ourselves! You are cancer and you’re killing all of us I am literally dying because of you. In case you’re too stupid to get that complex analogy, I’m saying that you suck fuck you.
Now that I’ve made it clear that I will be a whiny asshole in this letter, let me condescendingly complain to you for a while about how you are literally stabbing us in the throat. The college has said nothing to us about anything, because we are blameless and have done our jobs extraordinarily competently. We have been exemplary in our ability to follow basic rules. But who gives a goddamn flying fuck about adequate behavior when you have money and power and the ability rewrite rules in your favor?? I mean if you can engineer a system that benefits only you and people like you, then of course you would do so, you SCUMBAG. For the first time I am in the middle of a system that doesn’t work in my individual favor and frankly I am disgusted. I can’t imagine the lack of empathy and perspective that would allow someone to participate in such a system. I’ll even accuse you of vague nepotism, and absolutely unprecedented accusation in the completely meritocratic Owl Club.
The Owl Club is the only thing preventing me and every single man (MAN) I know from becoming a miserable, lonely degenerate and having – and I shudder at the thought – an abnormal college experience. Horrifying. But you don’t care about that tragedy, do you. You know, the Owl Club used to be a light on the hill, a beacon of hope and purity to all who gazed upon its auspicious facade, the symbol of everything right with the world and Harvard; songs were sung about our deeds, and ballads composed in our honor, we were gods among men (men). We attracted people from every walk of life imaginable, if your imagination is limited to wealthy, white, cis, straight, able-bodied men, and maybe a few POC. A veritable KALEIDASCOPE of diversity. But no, you want to go back to those old, backwards days, when the only members were VERY wealthy, white, cis, straight, able-bodied men. Despicable. Furthermore, we’re so fucking rich, like SO rich, as you know, but what’s the point of being rich if we can’t use our mansion to party????!!! That’s the whole point of being rich the Owl Club! To do whatever we want!!!! To facilitate drinking parties friendship community!!! People are supposed to get wasted with their friends all the fucking time enjoy their youth and make lifelong friendships and memories!!!! And yet you WON’T LET US USE OUR MANSION. By doing this you have literally crippled me. I mean I can no longer walk, you have shot me in the kneecaps and taken everything Good and True from the Owl. It is now a vile den of thieves, thanks to you.
Now I’m gonna personally attack you because frankly you deserve it and I’ve run out of stuff to say about the club or whatever. Stop being such stuck up asshats, you pompous, grandiloquent poseurs. It is of life and death importance that you stop taking everything so seriously, I say, completely devoid of any sense of irony. What are you even doing with your life that you care so much about some fucking college frat you were in once, that is basically just partying and dinners and shit, like holy shit go find something worthwhile to do with your lives, honestly. (Like consulting!). You certainly won’t see me spending all of my time after graduation unleashing pent up insecurities on whoever I feel threatened by for the sake of something that minimally affects my life but somehow I think defines me. That’s a now activity. Anyway, the men (masculine men) in the Owl literally have nothing else in their lives other than the Owl. It defines us. We have lost ourselves in the Owl, and no longer retain any individual identity of our own. And yes, we’re bound to be pissy at anyone who indirectly insinuates that we aren’t fully formed adults already, but you should be role models for us, and you’re just being mean!!!! The clubhouse is happy when we’re using it, but sad when we’re not. Don’t make the Owl house sad :(((((( Let us fuck around when we want to!!!! Also, if you want the Owl to be as prestigious and pretentious as other final clubs, good fucking luck you pathetic motherfucker. The only reason anyone cares about these clubs in the first place is because past members were famous or rich or some shit, and it’s your personal fault that our entire 120-year membership hasn’t done as much as other clubs’ past members have. Not one of our alumni has fucked over the country in a remotely famous way, nor have any exercised undue influence over politics or business in a noteworthy fashion. Shameful. No wonder no one gives any shits about us, I mean we don’t DO anything, we just churn out mediocre professionals. Sorry, wait, not we, I mean you do. You do that, not us. Not that it’s yooouuuur fault (that was sarcastic). We, the current members, are unique and special and wonderful, unlike you, truly a bastion of impressively straight, wealthy, white men (all XY chromosomes, definitely all very much men).
You know what, I bet you’re just afraid of losing money. That’s mean. We’re all rich, let’s not pretend any of us need money. I mean come on. What we need is a mansion to party in. Get it together.
Let me now rant about the worst murders you’ve committed, and yes, I mean murders, literal homicide, manslaughter (MANslaughter): the neophytes. The new members. I weep for their fate. I am going to tell them – and I cannot believe I am saying this – that they shouldn’t join the Owl. We don’t want them a part of this scam of a social organization if it’s not our scam. They might not even end up in any final club. ANY. I cannot comprehend the horror of that existence, but this is the hellscape you have brought us to. Dues are going to be $3000 a year now, right? That is, believe or not, a lot of money for some people. Some people, not me, of course, but amazingly, some people might want to spend this money, which of course everyone does have, on other things. Because again, it is a lot of money, for some people. By the way, I can do basic math. But what I can’t do is comprehend paying $3000 for anything that doesn’t include some booze. I mean seriously, you expect some man (he/him/his) to join a social organization that doesn’t provide alcohol for him? Sure, you might say that not all bonding and fun takes place around drinking. To which I say, get your fucking head out of your fucking ass and face the goddamn reality of the world you ignorant motherfucker. I am positive you were constantly wasted during college, I can’t imagine you weren’t. That’s what college IS. Look, if I’m not drinking, I’m trying to sleep with a woman, and I know for a fact that no other college man (male) does anything else for fun, other than drink and try to sleep with women. I honestly can’t conceive of a single reason a college man (man) would do anything other than drink all night and try to bang women. It’s just how every single man ever is made, we cannot conceive of any other type of fun or man. You’re scaring away the women, and now none of us men will ever have any type of fun ever it’s impossible. We might not even become….bros together. You would be depriving us of the only meaningful human connection we will ever make. Oh god.
In conclusion, fuck all of you. I hate you all. I don’t give a single upperclass shit about any of you. Fuck the Owl, fuck rules, fuck everything. You are destroying everything good and right in the world – I mean the Owl. If you disagree, fucking fight me in the pit motherfucker. I am so fucking ready to deck you pieces of shit one by one I fucking dare you. I have lost everything dear to me. My life is an empty husk without the Owl. I hope you’re ok with my literal death.
Here’s hoping my bitching and swearing at you for a page and a half will change your minds,
Fuckyou McFuckyou
Idiotface,
Fuck, and I insert this phrase to emphasize how intelligent I am, you. With all due respect, you deserve no respect. So, I guess, with nothing…. Wait. Shit. Whatever, you’re stupid. I am so offended, I am shaken to my core, I am damaged in my soul, that you would write to me without at least two 20-point scrabble words per sentence, and several obfuscations of your actual point, meandering through nonsensical syntax and absurd claims. Look at me, most of my sentences mix a healthy dose of condescension and unintelligible sophistry. I’m also extremely, irrevocably offended that you would point out our institution has historically been incredibly exclusive – it isn’t flattering to point out prejudice, it makes you sound bourgeois. I’m also going to throw in the phrase “roaring 20’s” to reinforce that I am old money but have had no serious historical education since high school.
Anyway, attached is another bitchy note I sent to some other fucking whippersnapper because I love feeling superior. In case you’re too lazy to read it, which is a completely logical conclusion to make after you write a 1300 word piece of hate mail, I’ll summarize it badly: the Owl has to remain exclusive, otherwise what’s the point? Like, what, let everyone benefit from our resources? Grow up.
Also, I’ve been in the Owl all the time so nyah nyah you were WRONG and I’m always at the fancy dinners and I’m glad I didn’t see you cause you’re such a mean jerk face. To send that mean email means you’re super not mature or grown up and also you’re stupid.
AND I’m gonna kick you out of the club you already said you hated so haha take that I WIN!
Regards,
You know who the fuck I am
-------------------Forwarded Message----------------------
Other idiot,
This club is super old and the only reason it’s lasted this long is by being exclusive to rich white cis straight able-bodied men. That somehow makes sense to me. If we let people of “other types” in, the entire thing would literally collapse on all of us. Now, to be pedantic:
- Are you really suggesting letting poor people in? Disgusting. Deplorable. In a completely different economy I could pay off my dues, so I see no reason to think that anyone else would have a different situation than mine, and if they do they’re stupid and they suck.
- Fuck you.
- We require that the club be very diverse, because if we weren’t then how do we have the best chance of having someone famous be a member? We have well-off white men who do sports, well-off white men who do economics or money or something, well-off white men who do other sports, even some well-off men of color who write or something idk—point is, we can’t have too many straight white men who do the same activity, that would not serve us in any way. These men need a different area of privilege apart from their pre-existing ones to really thrive.
If you don’t get it or disagree or want any sort of change it’s because you’re a stupid poopy face who isn’t an adult and you can’t sit with us.
Regards,
I’m better than you
I am still not done I am still so so mad I couldn’t sleep I was so angry about you being mean to me and challenging my authority so HERE WE FUCKING GO. Also I wrote that last email on a Blackberry because for some reason I think it’s 2008, and also I’m in London – just reminding you I have a fancy Business job and am better than you.
Fuck you: We do everything the same as other final clubs, which means we’re infallible. Also, we on the grad board have ridden our various connections to all sorts of leadership positions in organizations, so obviously to think anyone outside of our circle has anything to contribute is absurd. I’m gonna throw out some vague allusion to business pseudo-social science to justify not giving any shits about getting to know you fuckwads. You’re gonna be gone in 4 years. We aren’t. Fuck you, I don’t want to know what your concentration is or where you’re from. Grow up. Ur boring, fuck off. LOL.
Fuck you 2: Your solution to being pressured to go co-ed is to not? Wow. So immature. Thank goodness you have adults around, who will cling to our established ways no matter what it costs even if that means shutting this shit down, you know, like reasonable people do. We have the dude who did that as an undergrad in 1985, when apparently the grad board didn’t do jackshit. So that should be useful.
Fuck you 3: I knew your daddy at an Important Business and he’s a perfect gentlemen (to me), and you’re a little asshole so I’m gonna tell on you hahahaha you’re a baby and I’m gonna tell your daddy you were mean to me now you’re gonna get it!!!! Oooooo, I bet he’ll be so disappointed that you spent all that time typing out those carefully crafted insults to us respectable men. How immature. Real adults lob sloppy insults at college students in a series of increasingly incoherent, error-ridden emails that they type on their phone in a cab because they didn’t have the self-control to wait to use a computer to retaliate on behalf of their wounded ego.
Me
Sorry, just needed to reinforce that I am rich, successful, and in London. And very smart, which I somehow think will be accomplished by citing fucking Animal House.
I’m a big boy you’re not hahahaha wah wah wah I win you lose
THE BIGGEST BOY
