and entering

Important Update Regarding March Madness Outbreak

Paul J. Barreira, MD, advises students to please avoid unnecessary dabbing until further notice, even if it is in response to a "sick jam bro"

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Since the beginning of the month, we have confirmed seven-hundred-fifty-nine cases of March madness in the Harvard community. Harvard University Health Services (HUHS) has been working closely with the Cambridge Public Health Department and the Massachusetts Department of Public Health to track and evaluate the scope of the March madness exposure in the Harvard community.

If you feel compelled to buy a gold chain, can’t stop talking about how “stoked” you are about your bracket, or have set fire to a couch in the past 24 hours, you should refrain from public activities, bar yourself from access to a cable or internet connection, and contact HUHS at 617-495-5711 to be evaluated, even if you promise your roommate “it’s just a game, bro.” Doing this is crucial to minimizing the exposure of others to the madness.

Dense social and public spaces such as large social gatherings—yes, no space is quite safe enough—where people are raucous and impressionable can present an increased risk of contracting and spreading the lunacy. When possible, we encourage members of the community to avoid these areas and to calm the fuck down, particularly if they have any symptoms of March madness:

•    Do not reach for that half-eaten bag of nachos that’s been sitting in your blockmate’s microwave for a week
•    Launder your team jersey frequently
•    Safely discharge antagonistic impulses by gnawing on a compostable spoon
•    Resist the urge to tell your section leader to “hack-a-Shaq” and “take it to the hole”

We advise those who have been diagnosed with March madness or presumptive March madness to self-isolate for five days. And please, for the love of God, don’t buy that Supreme snapback. Doctor’s orders.

By the way, if you experience testicular swelling, why aren’t you in quarantine yet?


Paul J. Barreira, MD
Director, Harvard University Health Services
Henry K. Oliver Professor of Hygiene



Image Source: Harvard Gazette

© 2016