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Harvard Basketball “Totally Fucked,” Says Coach

Artist's rendering of Harvard's team at the 2013 NCAA Tournament.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - The recent withdrawal of basketball co-captain and last season’s lead scorer Kyle Casey and the expected departure of co-captain Brandyn Curry have left many wondering about the future of the Harvard men’s basketball team. 

“Yeah, we’re totally fucked,” said coach Tommy Amaker. “I’m basically starting a bunch of gawky nerds and hoping for the best.”

Investigations into the Government 1310 cheating scandal have struck Crimson athletics hard, with many athletes choosing to preemptively withdraw in order to preserve their year of eligibility.

“It’s not like it used to be,” Amaker said in a recent interview, “Jeremy Lin took Ec 10 five times and nobody had a problem with it.”

Amaker maintains that his players are being unfairly persecuted. “Look, maybe a couple guys shared some study materials, that’s just good sportsmanship. You see two guys who put both their names on one final and handed it in together. I see teamwork. I don’t see how we can punish students for that.”

With the return of three starters, many had hoped for the Crimson to repeat last year’s success and reach the NCAA tournament, but with only three remaining players not under investigation, two of whom are academically ineligible following last semester, fans may be forced to adjust their expectations for the season.

“I think we can reasonably expect to put a team on the court for at least all of our home games,” said Amaker, adding, “Hey you’re pretty tall, you ever play basketball before?” 

© 2012