The hat-wearing, backwards-walking, Boston-accent-affecting minds behind the Hahvahd Tours have updated their route to include a stop at Counseling and Mental Health Services, aiming to more accurately represent student life at Harvard.

 

“Yah,” one tour guide commented. “Owah big bahss did some resuch and fahwned that neeyahly foddy pahcent of Hahvahd students go to this place onna-conna the fact that theh sahd.” She took a sip of her Dunkin iced coffee and zipped up her North Face before continuing, “Plus now that the Smith Cenna’s open, we thawt it’d be wicked fun to stawp theh.”

 

One student sat in CAMHS’ fourth floor waiting room as a gaggle of sticker-clad tourists snapped photo after photo—some with selfie sticks, and others with bulky DSLRs set to automatic. He cringed and mouthed, “Isn’t this a HIPAA violation?” as the tour guide encouraged the tourists to engage with students about their transformative Harvard experiences.

 

The administration, in keeping with their historically masterful responsiveness to the mental health needs and concerns of its students, addressed this new development in a University-wide email last Friday, stating, “The Hahvahd Tours’ newfound interest in students’ mental health is a bold step forward in dismantling the stigma of seeking help. We consider this move to be a thoroughly positive decision on their part, one that uplifts and affirms each and every member of our community. Furthermore, in response to growing concerns that CAMHS is understaffed and insufficiently meeting the needs of our community, we have hired two more registered therapy dogs—Dandy and Mr. Pip—who we believe are well-equipped to combat the all-consuming sense of worthlessness and inadequacy that plagues many Harvard students.”

 

On an unrelated note, rumors have recently been circulating that HSA, sensing new demand in the mental health market, is planning to launch a student-run rival to CAMHS featuring limited-edition Patagonia Better Sweaters at 15% off with the promo code “lostallhope2019”.