and entering

A "Friendly" Reminder from Your House Administrator

Hot tub-sized blankets can't be that hard to come by.

Dear Students,

Holiday season is here, and that means I am legally required to do room inspections. 

So, this is a "friendly" reminder that I will be conducting room inspections over winter break, starting Tuesday, December 20 after 9 am. If there are any violations, you will be notified via email, and depending on the quality of the item I will either (a) keep it for myself, (b) gift it as a "thoughtful" present to my not-so-loved-ones-but-I-need-to-get-them-gifts-anyways, or (c) throw it away.

A list of common items to hide never have had in the first place, are:

  • Coffee machines
  • Popcorn makers
  • Toasters
  • "Incense"
  • Hottubs
  • Barbeque Grills (Looking at you, room E-41)
  • Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
  • Weaponry
  • Explosives
  • Easy-Bake Ovens
In addition, two common items I feel compelled to address are candles and microwaves. College Fire Safety Instructions stipulate that “the use of candles is prohibited in house and dormitory rooms." Scented candles make great Christmas gifts, however, and I highly encourage you to keep those out over winter break. Microwaves are also prohibited, and will be confiscated, with the exception of the $199 one that HSA sells you and we get a cut of. If you didn't pay us up front, please just leave $40 on or near the microwave and I will "miss" it during room inspection. 
Other than that, I truly don't want your useless shit. Please take, like, five minutes out of your day to hide them from me. You don't even need to hide them well! Let's just say if there's a coffee-maker-looking object under a blanket, I "can't" move the blanket to see what's underneath it. 
Happy Holidays, 
Your House Administrator
© 2016