Cambridge, MA—Officials from the municipal health department were described as “greatly disturbed” following several reports of Harvard University’s Dean of Freshmen, Thomas A. Dingman, selling what looked to be brown slush in upside-down party hats clearly labeled “Happy New Year 1987!” outside of Crema Café in Brattle Square.

“Hey, kiddies, want some snow cones? They’re chocolate-flavored!” Mr. Dingman ’67, visibly intoxicated and wearing a sweat-stained t-shirt saying “Dean of Phresh” in hot-pink lettering, was heard to shout at tourists, students, and homeless people alike.

“Tommy D only uses the finest ingredients!” Dingman continued, before glancing around furtively to see if he was being watched and scooping up another hatful of pollution-stained slush from the gutter. “And, for a limited time only, we’re now offering lemon as well,” he added, after observing the actions of a passing golden retriever.

When reached for comment, University President Drew Gilpin Faust attempted to put a positive spin on the matter.

“You know what, this is probably the least problematic thing he’s done this semester,” Dingman’s immediate superior reported. “Between giving [Dean of the College Rakesh] Khurana ‘two for flinching’ and hitting on the entire WGS faculty, it’s just a relief to get him off campus for a bit.”

“Honestly, anything that keeps him away from the Owl or the Delphic is a good thing, as far as we’re concerned,” Faust concluded.