and entering

8 Amazing Lifehacks For When You Run Out of BoardPlus

Don't be fooled: spend your BoardPlus here, rather than at Memorial Church.
It's that time of the year again. You either ran out of BoardPlus already or are down to your last dollars. Not to worry- Satire V has you covered. Here's a complete list of what you should do as your account balance nears zero:
1) Go to coffee with your advisers, TFs, and Professors.
"TF" stands for "Totally Funded," right?
2) Try Fly-By!
Some people consider the coffee at Fly-By underneath Anneberg "a kind of beverage."
3) Get a campus job.
One way to make money is to get a job. If you don't already have one and prefer to suck at the teat of the government, get out there and contribute a little, will you?
4) Steal money from a homeless person.
What's more important: your being able to eat a slice of week-old cake at Lamont Cafe, or a homeless person's ability to eat at all? We think the answer is pretty obvious.
5) Move to Colombia and start a coffee farm.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Similarly, why buy coffee at the Greenhouse Cafe when you can just grow your own coffee beans in Colombia? No need to import it because you'll already be in Colombia!
6) Befriend actor Ray Liotta.
The Goodfellas star is sure to be swimming in the big bucks. And hey- it looks like he's starring in a new network drama on NBC called Shades of Blue. That sounds promising. Once you're friends, he'll probably buy you food.
7) Find actor Ray Liotta.
In order to befriend Ray Liotta, you'll have to find him first. A simple Google search won't suffice. You'll need to pay for one of those online services that buys public records so you can get his address. Then you'll need to pay for transportation to Ray Liotta's house, and probably for some kind of dessert to bring with you. Don't show up empty-handed to Ray Liotta's house!
8) Blackmail actor Ray Liotta.
Once you find Ray Liotta and enter his house, kidnap his children and hold them for ransom. This way, Ray Liotta will give you a lot of money, which you can use to buy a latte instead of regular coffee at the Barker Center Cafe!

Image Source: The Crimson
© 2016