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What Your Uber Rating Says About You

1.5: Uber knows you're reading a magazine that didn't pay up to use their actual logo.
It's no secret that your Uber rating can mean the difference between throwing up on yourself on the Quad Shuttle and throwing up on yourself in the back of a stranger's Toyota Corolla after a wild night at the Belltower. But what do these ratings really mean? The crack team of data journalists down at Satire V38 break it down for you:
Your mom set up an uber account in your name and used it once.
You're a corporate drone
You're a corporate drone with body odor
You're a corporate drone with body odor who insists on sitting shotgun.
You're a wild card. You're no thug, but lord knows you don't play by the rules, either. From the second you're picked up, the driver is wondering whether you're gonna play his favorite song or slap him with the single slice of ham you're holding in your hand. Hell, you don't even know. It's just you, Jim, and the open road. He asks for your destination and you say destiny and he says get out. Nailed it. A perfect 3.5.
Your friend once threw up in an uber you ordered. Dammit, Craig!
You are an injured dragon.
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