and entering

New Spotify Algorithm Accurately Predicts Music You Want Sara To Think You’re Listening To

Sara being charming and better than you, as always.
Although Sara claims she would never judge you based on your music taste, reports indicate that’s some bullshit.

STOCKHOLM — After months of research and development, engineers at Spotify have finished a groundbreaking playback algorithm that shows Sara a live feed of the music you are definitely listening to right now. Spotify’s thorough analysis of the beloved iPod Classic you told her must have fallen out of her backpack has mathematically confirmed that convincing Sara you actually like Animal Collective is the key to her bespectacled heart.  

The algorithm even links these fabricated listening habits with your profile, where Sara and maybe even her cute friend Gwen can see how many times you listened to that Tim Hecker record of amplified chewing noises. Rumored upcoming features include a weekly list of albums to casually mention between sips of her agonizingly bitter homemade cold brew.

Spotify CEO Daniel Ek calls the algorithm a “triumph of collaboration between Spotify’s Data Collection, Viral Marketing, and Romantic Interpolation divisions.”

“You see, we based most of the algorithm on Sara’s old iPod,” Ek explained as he began to betray his anxiety. “But if Sara doesn’t end up marrying him or something, this program is toast. And it cost A LOT of money. If only he’d fallen for Ruth, or hell, even Macie. But that total dweeb had to go for charming Williamsburg sweetheart Sara Reyes, didn’t he?”

At press time, Sara disclosed that after the loss of her iPod, she now listens exclusively to vinyl.

© 2017