and entering

Mayor Cat Mauled by Dog, Paws Point to Political Motives

Mayor Stubbs, before the attack, as he enjoys a glass full of the tears of vanquished foes.

The Office of Mayor Cat claims that last week’s attack on Stubbs the cat, mayor of Talkeetna, AK, was politically motivated. On his way to the office last week, a loose dog mauled Stubbs, sending Stubbs to the vet. To few, this comes as a surprise; Stubbs has made some formidable canine foes during his 16 years in office.

The controversy began with Stubbs' championed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” law of ’98, where dog owners were instructed to not ask their pooches, “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?” and then not to answer the question themselves with, “You’re a good boy! You’re a really good boy!” Although owners would continue this act indoors- an act Stubbs calls “an abomination in the eyes of Cat God,” Stubbs made it clear that his government would be strictly pro-feline. Stubbs again angered many dogs with his Defense of Meowing Act of ‘01, which banned barking in public spaces. Dogs found violating the latter crime would be sent to a “nice farm” where they could “run around” and “play.” 

Earlier this month, Stubbs took greater initiative and signed a law that banned all kinds of “canine propaganda.” This includes things like chasing one’s tail and playing fetch; however, this law also applies to the human populace. Citizens of Talkeetna can no longer beg, dog paddle, or howl at police car sirens. The viewing of Fox’s singing competition American Idol has also been banned for Randy Jackson’s prolific use of the word, “dawg,” while viewers are encouraged to watch NBC’s The Voice as a substitute because, in a statement released by the Office of Mayor Cat, it “promotes pertinent cat values for families across Talkeetna,” and, “Adam Levine’s voice resonates like the sweet sound of an electric can opener cranking out some tuna.” Chasing laser pointers in Talkeetna is still allowed for everyone. 

And while the new law has infuriated dog interest groups everywhere, none of them claim to be behind the attack on Stubbs. The Blue Dogs of Alaska have even expressed their sadness at the event. Stubbs is currently receiving treatment an hour outside of Talkeetna, and dogs everywhere anxiously anticipate the wrath of Mayor Cat should he make a full recovery.

© 2013