By Nicolas Cage

 

After finding the fabled treasure passed down all the way from the Ancient Egyptians to the American Freemasons (plus whatever else I found in National Treasure 2), some people would think that my taste for wealth and adventure is satisfied. Those people are idiots. I’m Nicolas fucking Cage.

 

Thanks to a tip from some GOP higher-ups, I now know that there is yet another national treasure to be found, and a clue is hidden just beneath the 22nd Amendment to the United States Constitution. Apparently, all I have to do is erase the words, “No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice,” right off the document. Naturally, I questioned the motive of the politicians who tipped me off. They said something about it being imperative that neither Clinton nor Trump gets ahold of it. Those rookies must be after my treasure. Well no need to fear because, in case you forgot, I’m Nicolas Cage.

 

My plan is to sneak in (undoubtedly finessing my way through some laserbeams), dodge several bullets from enemy treasure-hunters, erase the amendment, and come out completely unscathed in tasteful black tie attire. I offered my traditional service of stealing the document, but my informants preferred if everyone sort of just forgot about the amendment altogether. They mentioned something about Obama knowing at least a little more than everyone else. Maybe he knows something about the treasure.

 

Fate has given me an opportunity to restore my reputation after National Treasure 2 got a 35% on Rotten Tomatoes. That one stung. Trump and Clinton sound like dangerous enemies, but nothing stops Nicolas Cage when treasure’s afoot.