Clearly under the impression that a gallon of milk still costs 10 cents and that your affection is equally cheap, your idiot grandpa reportedly slipped you $5 for your birthday yesterday while advising you not to “spend it all in one place.”

Though you were hoping for a new iPhone X, you will have to make do with a bill that smells like mothballs and a wink that one witness described as “blinking slightly harder with one eye than the other.” Your moron grandparent suggested that you might “buy a transistor radio” or “go see a couple of those new talkies—that Grace Kelly is quite a piece!”

Either confused or just really fucking stupid, your grandpa certainly livened up the party with his interminable monologues and mildly racist comments. Between war stories, he gave Cousin Stephanie and her husband $1 and the great advice that “buying a Model T is a great way to build equity.”

Financial analysts concluded that if you invest the $5 along with the quarter your grandpa found behind your ear, you can pay off your student loans in 38,000 years.

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