RE: Sorry For The Late Response—I Literally Died

Hi Professor Chen,

Thank you so much for your feedback on my grad school essays! I’m really sorry for the late response—I literally died.

I’ve been meaning to get you my final paper, but I just wanted to let you know that Hell has a pretty strong firewall and I haven’t had access to Google Docs. I might be able to use my Harvard VPN from the literal grave, though. I’ll let you know!

LEXINGTON, MA – Michelle Tippet, a local accountant, has been lost in thought for over 72 hours and is presumed dead.

Stephen Paulus, Tippet’s friend and occasional thinking companion, and Rebecca Clarke, Tippet’s fiancée, notified authorities after Tippet had been missing for over five hours. Witnesses said she left early that morning to think about what color to paint the spare bedroom.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On Saturday, one really, really old student-run publication released its annual parodical version of another really, really old student-run publication, despite the fact that the weighty inevitability of death continued to cast an ominous shadow on all involved. 

Some students chuckled, recognizing the effort that the first publication had gone toward putting together a fake campus newspaper. Indeed, these readers momentarily forgot the inevitable truth that one day the sun will literally explode.