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Harvard Admits More Lobsters Than Asian Americans, Investigation Reveals

CAMBRIDGE, MA – An ongoing investigation against Harvard University has revealed that the university admits more lobsters than Asian Americans.

As of the “College Beach Bash” last Sunday, 6500 lobsters had been admitted to Harvard College, thanks to extensive efforts to recruit applicants from underrepresented regions like Cape Cod. Contrast this to the mere 1,300 Asian American undergraduates at the College – a roughly 5:1 ratio of crustaceans to Asian Americans.