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A Satire V Exclusive: Edward Snowden - “I Can Have A Long, Fulfilling Life In This Airport.”

Above: Snowden, who bravely made the decision to grow a goatee and spend the rest of his life in an airport.

Edward Snowden, a former NSA contractor, sacrificed everything to reveal secret government data gathering programs.  Now, after spending a week in the Moscow International Airport, he has broken his silence regarding his life of fear and exile.

“A life of fear is not for me,” said Snowden, chewing on a soft pretzel from Bunska Pretzel, Moscow Airport’s premier pretzel shop. “No, no I can have a long, fulfilling life in this airport.” 

Snowden, who most likely would never see the outside of a federal prison again if he was returned to the United States, has decided to await responses to his pleadings for political asylum in the Moscow international terminal.   But, amazingly, he refuses to accept that just because he is caged, his life is over.  The lifestyle he describes is simple, yet somehow admirable.  

“I play angry birds, I cry a fair amount.  Sometimes I get to fly the tiny helicopter that the Brookstone guy uses to attract customers.  I may not be free on the outside, but I am free on the inside – of this terminal.”

Snowden added: “Weirdly, this is nothing like the Tom Hanks movie ‘The Terminal.’  Most of the staff here speaks exclusively Russian, and they regard me as something of a foreign tragedy.  Me? A tragedy?  C-Can you believe that? Excuse me.”

 Regaining his composure, Snowden spoke about his budding romantic life, which largely centers on the affections of an older woman working at the duty-free chocolate store.

“That lady selling Toblerones has been very nice.  Perhaps she will be my wife? Maybe it is too soon to say – I have been quite emboldened by my experiences. What do you get an airport wife anyway?   What do you get a woman who has everything, everything that you could buy in an airport?”  Snowden finished his pretzel.

Snowden has also become something of a local airport celebrity.  Children often approach him with a few coins and ask him to tell them something about the vast American intelligence system, but they are shooed away by their parents, who remind them in Russian “the angel of death follows this man closely – hurry, our flight leaves soon!”

When asked what the hardest thing about a lifetime layover was, Snowden joked. 

“Probably the knowledge that my freedom could be ended anytime Putin wants me out of his hair! Ha ha ha!  No, but seriously, probably the cuisine: I’m trying to go vegan.”

The struggles of this brave man have not gone unheeded.  Marvin Albright, the American agent in charge of capturing Snowden, remarked that the FBI would move in “soon” and that “Bunska pretzel is a luxury rarely afforded to American prisoners.  Eat up, Snowden.”  Godspeed to them both. 


© 2013