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Qatari Officials Shop for New Soccer Team in Brazil

The magnificent Qatari Team is looking at you!

As part of its campaign to improve its image since the emergence of corruption allegations around the 2022 World Cup, Qatar, currently ranked 100th, is seeking to create a football team that would actually be capable of qualifying for the tournament.

Qatari football officials, or at least the five not yet banned for life from football administration on corruption charges, have travelled to Brazil to offer some of the star players from this year's less successful teams the wonderful opportunity to be citizens of the State of Qatar, a strategy that has previously worked in recruiting Kenyan long-distance runners, such as Mubarak Hassan Shami who recently won the Boston Marathon.

Prince Hamad al-Thani, head of the Qatar Football Association, is alleged to have reacted with glee upon hearing that Spain, England, Portugal and Italy were struggling in the tournament, hoping to... persuade many of their players to switch allegiance to his nation.

Reports suggest that the new Qatari captain Hassan ‘Xavi’ Abdelaziz, will be leading a team that includes star strikers Mahmoud ‘Rooney’ Saleh and Ahmad ‘Ronaldo’ al-Warraq.

When asked why he had abandoned his country, al-Warraq admitted that he had forgotten you couldn't transfer out of your nation like you could out of Manchester United. Abdelaziz, meanwhile, told fans not to think of it as betrayal, but more like "finding yourself a nice retirement home, with air-conditioned stadia and a terrible human rights record, in which you can be quietly forgotten and remain hidden from any angry Spanish fans who thought I played with all the skill of a beached walrus."

Unnamed Qatari football administrators assured all three of the Qatari team's avid supporters that the players they had bribed to join them were not past their prime. Roy Hodgson, the new Qatari coach, admitted, "Ok, maybe they were all kind of rubbish this time, and will probably have grey hair and substantial beer -er..sweet tea bellies by the 2022 world cup, but at least we'll be able to beat Cameroon or Honduras... They'd probably crush us normally, but I hear those victories are usually only a few thousand dollars per goal."

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