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Inspired by Recent Presidential Debates, North Korea Holds First Ever Supreme Leader Debates

Kim Jong-un woos the crowd with his friendly tone and repressive totalitarianism.

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA –- In last evening’s debate between benevolent and just Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and short, ugly man who picks his nose, North Korea proved to the world that it is better at everything, even democracy, than any other kingdom.  

Beautiful, respected Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un made all the good points, and short, ugly man who farts when he talks made none of them.

Everyone laughed, cheered, and applauded when told to by the friendly armed guards surrounding the perimeter of the auditorium, and Kim Jong-un won the debate according to a hands-down poll of popular opinion, where those who thought glorious Kim Jong-un was the winner bowed to the ground before him with their hands down. Everyone else was removed from the premises to go to camp, so they can have fun and get to know Kim Jong-un more intimately as a friend, to see why dignified and witty Kim Jong-un is the obvious winner.

Upon victory, Kim Jong-un put on a dazzling gymnastic routine that showed he is North Korea’s top gymnast. Because of sweeping cries for a vote and according to hands-down popular opinion, he will now represent the motherland in gymnastics at the next international game day, renamed the “Kumgangs” from the original “Olympics” because the international community agrees that Mount Kumgang is far more majestic and historically significant than Mount Olympus.

The legendary Kim Jong-un then singlehandedly beat the North Korean World Cup soccer team in a one-against-eleven match, to the amazement but certainly not the surprise of spectators, for who could doubt that the majesty and power of the Supreme Leader extends to every element of life.

In the grand finale, innovative and brilliant Kim Jong-un conjured up a magical spectacle of sparks in the night air as one has never before seen or imagined, and short, ugly man who can count to twenty on his fingers finally proved himself useful, for he kindly escorted the rocket into the sky.

© 2012