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Elderly War Criminal Conflicted About Outcome of World Cup Final

Klaus Schicklgruber, 103, of Corrientes, Argentina reportedly felt deeply ambivalent at the news of Germany’s 1-0 victory over Argentina in the 2014 World Cup final yesterday.  

“It’s just hard to know who to root for, y’know?” mused a surprisingly spry Schicklgruber as he deftly replaced an O-ring on the showerhead in his master bathroom.  “Don’t get me wrong, there’s something nostalgic about seeing all those worked-up Germans waving flags as they steamroll lesser nations into oblivion, but Argentina’s been my home for these past 69 years and two months or so.”

Having lost his job in Germany for reasons he describes as “politically motivated”, Schicklgruber immigrated to Argentina in the mid-forties and quickly developed an affinity for Argentine soccer. 

“A younger version of myself would have had me summarily executed for even thinking about backing Argentina,” guffawed Schicklgruber as he moved to the kitchen and began polishing his already immaculate broiling pan, “but I’ve grown to love everything about this country: the delicious food, the beautiful women, the abundance of living space, the questionable extradition laws-- it’s a veritable paradise!”

“In all seriousness, though”, Schicklgruber continued, “Younger me would have had me killed for this.  He was good at finding excuses for that sort of thing.”

© 2014