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The Cure to Coronavirus is Me, an Influencer Who is Doing Jack Shit

Drafting an uplifting message to all my beloved paid-for followers :)

Hello, lovelies! I know this outbreak has been super stressful for all of us, so I just wanted to hop back on here to spread a message of hope to all of you: stay strong. We’re going to get through this together, I promise! And how do I know this? Well it’s because I know the key to solving this crisis: me.

Yes, you heard that right. And I know it’s crazy, I mean, I barely believed it myself. But one day as I was drinking my morning kale, mango, chia seed, flax seed, hemp seed, bird seed smoothie, every cell in my body became energized with the realization that I am the cure.

Goodness, it seems so obvious now, looking back. I can’t even begin to imagine how incredibly impactful the “daily quarantine thoughts” I shared on my story were. Original stuff like, “Remember that kindness is the most important thing right now :)” and “Spread the love <3”. Messages that only I would have the wisdom to impart.

I also bless my followers with videos about staying productive during quarantine because I alone had the insight to understand that this is a time for self-improvement and reflection. I document all the hours I spend meditating, journaling, and taking walks along the beach I happen to live next to. It must be so inspirational to watch as you all are busy finding clean, non-embarrassing backgrounds in your home to conduct Zoom meetings, homeschooling your screaming children, and getting laid off. You’re very welcome.

I know that money has been tight for some of y’all, so to show that I care, I’m super excited to announce that my personal clothing brand is having a 15% off sale! Just use the code “QUARANTINE15” at checkout. And for every hundred dollars spent, we will donate one cent to COVID-19 relief efforts! Every penny counts ;) so get shopping! 

Finally, a lot of you have been saying “How do you do it? This kind of generosity must be exhausting!” And I totally agree – for any average human this would be too much. But I. am. a. god.

© 2020