and entering

CIA Successfully Turns High-Ranking Russian Microwave

Mr. Naryshkin's microwave prepares the classic Russian dish beef stroganoff. Or does it?

MOSCOW – In a newly declassified report, the CIA has revealed that it successfully recruited the microwave of Sergey Naryshkin as a counterspy.

Mr Naryshkin, Vladimir Putin’s head security advisor, was apparently unaware of these efforts. The microwave, referred to by the codename "Maytag," perpetrated several successful deep-cover surveillance operations, before being inadvertently exposed by White House Counsel Kellyanne Conway.

Mr. Maytag, in service since the early 2000s, helped to reheat the cold war and provided crucial intelligence regarding Mr. Naryshkin’s propensity for Hot Pockets, and late-night, guilty pleasure snacking habits. Mr. Maytag’s report included several paragraphs detailing Mr. Naryshkin’s tendency to mutter to himself “ooooh just this once, Vladimir has been working you so hard and you deserve this,” before consuming several bags of Orville Redenbacher popcorn.

The report also included implications that other high-ranking Russian appliances might be considering defecting, including Prime Minister Medvedev’s refrigerator, Deputy Kasyanov’s electric kettle, and even former President Yeltsin’s La-Z-Boy recliner and massage chair.

The CIA declined to comment on this story, as it is an ongoing investigation. Instead they put out a statement asking Ms. Conway to refrain from speculation on such important matters of national security.

© 2017