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A Win for Democracy! Student Fills Out Ballot, Forgets to Actually Mail It

Girl at polls
In an alternate universe, Katie South may have gone to the polls to exercise her civic right, but alas.

Boston, MA – On Friday, Senator Elizabeth Warren announced plans to honor local college student Katie South with a medal for citizenship, after South reportedly filled out a mail-in ballot and proceeded to completely forget about it in her desk drawer. South, who studies government, claims she was surprised by the attention. “No, I wouldn’t say I’m a hero, I was just doing the right thing. I filled out my ballot, put it away beneath some papers, and I haven’t thought about it since. Basically, there’s no way I’m mailing that envelope in before tomorrow.”

It didn’t take much to convince South to fill out her ballot, just three personal pleading texts from Taylor Swift and five phone calls from disabled veteran campaign volunteers whose lives were resting entirely on campaign results. Texan candidate Beto O’Rourke himself showed up outside South’s dorm and offered to take her on the back of his groovy skateboard to the nearest mailbox. South was stunned by Beto’s brilliant white teeth, but by that time had become apathetic about the election and closed the door on him.

When her friends asked if she had voted, South nodded and said, “Uh, I think so. I definitely remember filling in the circles. I remember the envelope tasted sorta sweet, so I licked it twice. Maybe three times. So I’d say it was definitely sealed.” 

South’s family has been contacted for a statement, but they forgot to hit “send” on their email back to the press, so this article is being published without their input.

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