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Tim Cook Comes Out as Rich White Man

Pictured: Tim Cook, armed with nothing but whiteness and half a billion dollars.

AMERICA – In an announcement expected to completely transform the landscape of the tech industry and beyond, Apple CEO Tim Cook has confirmed rumors that he is, in fact, a rich white man. Working in a business world plagued by women and minorities, Tim Cook stands out as a beacon of hope for affluent white males everywhere.

“When I first realized I was a wealthy Caucasian man, I was scared,” wrote Tim Cook in his essay. "Where do I put all this money? How can I ever convince this country to accept me an intelligent, strong white man?"

Cook struck a chord with several individuals across the country. Luke Vanderfeller, 26, struggling on his parents’ trust fund, looks to Cook for hope. “Before Tim Cook’s announcement, I wasn’t sure I could make it in this country as a person without color,” said Vanderfeller, speaking from his Manhattan penthouse. “But now I’m optimistic that one day rich white guys like me will be visible and finally have a voice in this country.”

At press time, a tearful Tim Cook could be seen falling into the open, loaded arms of Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg.

© 2014