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Ted Cruz Threatens to Return to Canada if Trump Elected

Ted Cruz exhibits pride for his home country while addressing a conservative think tank.
HOUSTON, TX -- After his unsuccessful campaign for the GOP nomination, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has announced that he would return to his birthplace of Calgary in Alberta, Canada, if Donald Trump is elected President.
"Oh, gee I don't know, I just can't stand him y'know?" said Cruz at a press conference, a Canadian accent supplanting his usual southern-tinged twang. 
Like many Americans, Cruz believes Canada's a better option than the United States under a Trump administration. "It's quite liberating to be out of the race, eh?" asked Cruz, rhetorically but affably to a crowd of reporters. "In Canada they barely know who I am. Plus I can check in with good ol' Jim who drives the Zamboni at the Calgary skating rink. He's been there forever don't ya know?" 
As reporters gathered to watch, Cruz mounted a moose that wandered by, pulled out a compass, tipped his hat to the crowd, and headed north.
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