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Study Finds Humans Share More DNA with Lima Beans than Chimpanzees


Rockville, MD — Researchers at the J. Craig Venter Institute today announced that they had completed the sequencing of the genome of Phaseolus lunatus, better known as the lima bean. Preliminary findings, to be published in the journal Nature next month, seem to indicate that our species shares more genes with the South American legume than with chimpanzees.

            The project, originally intended to help agricultural companies produce more environmentally friendly pesticides, is now causing scientists the world over to rethink their understanding of life itself. “There are multiple potential implications,” reported Harvard University professor of Human Evolutionary Biology Maryellen Ruvolo, “one being that environmental pressures have lead humans and lima beans to evolve in a convergent direction over the past few millennia, but the most likely being that we have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on anymore.”

            Other scientists, like Columbia University professor of Linguistics Daniel Rothschild, have suggested that this may prove that humans do not, in fact, share a recent common ancestor with the greater apes. “Perhaps it’s been coded into our cultural consciousness all along. Is it a coincidence how similar ‘human being’ and ‘human bean’ sound?” No matter how this conundrum is ultimately resolved, it will certainly change our view of human evolution forever.

            As of press time, the FDA had released a report that the Venter Institute’s lima beans had been contaminated with horsemeat.


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