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Secret Service takes West Wing Game of "Assassins" Too Seriously

WASHINGTON, DC -- It started innocently enough, when Department of Veterans Affairs intern and Pforzheimer alumna Martha Phillipe ’10 suggested a department-wide game of “Assassins” to liven up the office’s dull social scene. VA bureaucrats seemed to enjoy the game immensely. Secretary Eric Shinseki took notice when a backlog of pension forms developed, but, rather than stop the game, the retired Four-Star General brought the idea of an Executive Branch-wide “Assassins” match to the next Cabinet meeting. Approved by a vote of 21-2, Vice President Joe Biden was appointed judge.

The first day of the game went smoothly: six cabinet officers were eliminated, with Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar alone taking three targets. The next day’s proceedings were marked by a tense standoff between Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, whom Biden had mistakenly revealed were assigned to each other. Following three hours of West Wing intrigue, Panetta finally won the matchup by cornering Clinton in the Roosevelt Room with a spork from the Press Corps kitchen.

Problems emerged on the eighth day, when Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius eliminated Transportation Secretary Roy LaHood, and received President Obama as her next target. A Secret Service agent overheard Sebelius discussing her plan to “get” the president with CIA Director David Petraeus. Within minutes, nine of the 11 cabinet officers left in the game were spotted with NERF guns and forcibly apprehended. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan was shot in the chest when he attempted to assassinate Attorney General Eric Holder, and UN Ambassador Susan Rice, who was not aware that the game was being played, surrendered immediately to the Secret Service agents, whom she believed were leading a coup.

 At a press conference after the event, Joe Biden told reporters that Duncan was recovering, and that the Secret Service would be made aware before the start of the “Humans Versus Zombies” game scheduled for the next month.

© 2012