HELL -- In an historic first, the Devil has declined to endorse either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney for the Presidency, claiming that both contenders "are hell-bent on creating chaos and spreading destruction without any help from me."
"I am unable to, in good faith, give the Edict of Satan to either presidential candidate. Like many an undecided voter, I have been mulling over my choice for months, and, frankly, it has proven impossible to choose the greater of two evils," the Devil explained at a special news conference held in front of the Palace of Damned Souls. “I'm just going get my popcorn, sit this one out and enjoy the show, as the world slips on Greece, falls off the fiscal cliff, and goes out with a bang from Iran."
Lucifer, who describes himself as a "the country’s premier military-industrial lobbyist," was quick to explain: "Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against either of these well-meaning jackasses. I’m a great admirer of President Obama – after all he got the American people to abandon hope in only four years – and Mitt Romney gets major points since I’m not sure if he’s fully human. They're the morons who will undoubtedly lay the foundation for chaos and calamity.”
"Also, I don’t understand why people believe that Romney sold his soul to me… As the demonic figure presiding over the damnation of Mormon souls I assure you that no such transaction took place. Besides, if he did sell his soul to me as so many of his GOP forebears have done, he’d be far more competent.”
The Dark Lord took credit for influencing US presidential politics throughout the nation's history, citing some of his most recent accomplishments:
- "I'm the one who introduced Jack Kennedy to Vietnamese food. Lyndon Johnson picked up the tab for that one."
- "I taught Richard Nixon the value of taping all conversations in the Oval Office. Turns out, he wasn't much of a recording artist."
- "Then there was that box of cigars that I bought for Bill Clinton…"
- “I was Dick Cheney for most of 2007.”
The Devil seemed particularly pleased that no one is being held accountable for creating the problems that led to the current economic crisis.
"The bankers, the speculators, the regulators -- see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. These monkeys think they got off. But they will all be seeing me for personal lessons on global warming."
