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The Republican Party's Potential Replacements for Antonin Scalia

The smile of a man who knows that, even in death, he literally cannot be replaced.

With Senate Republicans refusing to vote on any potential nominee for the Supreme Court, many have speculated as to who Republicans hope to nominate in the event that they win the coming presidential election this November. To that effect, Satire V presents the conclusive list of potential Republican nominees:

1. The ghost of Antonin Scalia.

2. The ghost of Ronald Reagan.

3. Casper, the friendly ghost.

4. The ghost of Adam Smith's Invisible Hand of the free market.

5. The Ghostbusters, because you can never be too safe. But the male ones. Only the male ones.

6. The face of Andrew Jackson from the $20 bill. Actually, just the $20 bill. You know what, just a pile of money. Just a big fucking pile of cash. Suck on that, Lessig.

7. A gay abortion doctor...hahaha jk.

8. Dumbo from Dumbo (1941).

9. The color red.

10. The color purple (the actual color, not the Alice Walker novel), but only as a compromise candidate.

11. A white person. Literally any white person.

12. Harrison Ford from the movie Air Force One (1997).

13. Judge Judy.

14. An empty chair, or Clarence Thomas. Whichever talks more.

15. Cthulhu (Surprisingly, a strong fiscal conservative).

16. Your aunt who watches way too much Law & Order.

17. Your other aunt who doesn't watch Law & Order but always wants to argue about gay marriage after two Bloody Marys.

18. U.S. Senator Orrin Hatch, but only if we don’t tell him first.


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