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Paul Ryan's Children Running for Congress to Spend More Time Away from Father

Ryans' kids are running for Congress.

JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN — The children of Paul Ryan, the Speaker of the House, just declared their joint candidacy for his vacant seat in Congress in order to spend more time away from their father.

"When Dad announced his retirement today, he said that he was stepping down to spend more time with us," explained the kids. "He could have, like, consulted us first. We don't want to spend more time with him."

The Ryan children are running on a platform of getting the hell out of the house. At the press conference—where the kids announced their campaign slogan, "PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE HE KEEPS ASKING ME ABOUT FISCAL POLICY"—they noted that they are running as a group since it would not be fair to leave anyone behind to pump iron with their father.

The children tried to alleviate concerns about their ages. "Hey, we took math," they said. "We know the whole tax cuts thing is bullshit."

At press time, Ryan was trying to bond with his kids by showing them tweets from the President and asking how they would evade responding to them.

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