and entering

Miss Secretary of State Competition Enters Swimsuit Round

Romney struts his stuff during the swimsuit competition, while Trump feigns paying attention at the judges' table.

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ — Beneath a glittering wrecking ball outside the bankrupted Trump Taj Mahal on Saturday, the Miss Secretary of State Competition entered its second round: the swimsuit competition.

“Alright, ladies, go on to your dressing rooms and slip into those pretty little bikinis of yours,” the pageant’s host, Chris Christie, bellowed from the stage after contender Mitt Romney finished up the talent competition, in which he twirled a baton to the beat of “America the Beautiful.”

The contestants—David Petraeus (Miss New York), Rudy Giuliani (runner-up Miss New York), John Kelly (Miss Massachusetts), Bob Corker (Miss Tennessee), and Romney (Miss Michigan)—shuffled backstage to change into their custom-made Chanel swimsuits. Corker scurried off with a spring in his step after a well-received tap dance number.

In the lull between rounds, the judges—Donald Trump, Reince Priebus, Kellyanne Conway, Steve Bannon, and Paris Hilton—jotted down scores for the talent competition. “Off-key,” Bannon scribbled about Giuliani’s uninspiring rendition of Paul Simon’s “Still Crazy After All These Years.” 

One-time Trump supporter Aaron Carter belted out “I Want Candy” as Corker strutted out in a leopard-print tankini. Kelly teased the crowd with a sashay of his hips. “I’m so proud of all these ladies,” Trump said. “With bodies like those, who needs brains?”

The winner of Miss Secretary of State will not be decided until the final two portions, the interview competition and the evening gown competition, wrap up. At press time, Petraeus planned to don a dress made out of his parole bracelets as his evening gown, while Romney intended to wear his last shreds of dignity.

© 2016