Satire V acquired the following leaked transcript of Thursday’s meeting between President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump:
DONALD TRUMP: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. President. Really it’s quite an honor. I’m hoping we can work together during this time—
BARACK OBAMA: Yeah, yeah. Cut the shit. Listen, Donald—can I call you Donald?
DT: Oh, uh, I guess? Can I call you Barack?
BO: No. Listen, Donald, you better have a seat. (Lighting a cigarette) Want one?
DT: No, I don’t smoke.
BO. Huh.
DT: …what is happening right now?
BO: Donald, I’ve said a lot of terrible things about you, like how you’re totally unqualified for this office, how you’re an asshole, all that jazz. You said I wasn’t an American, and brown people are evil, all that jazz. But you should know something: I forgive you.
DT: You…you what? Really?
BO: Yeah. (Taking a long drag) I forgive you.
Suddenly, a ghostly image of Donald Trump four years from now walks past the doorway.
DT: What the—was that me? Did you see that? What is going on?
BO: Oh never mind that, Donald. Look, some people think you’re a fascist. Some people think you’re racist. You know this, right?
DT: Yeah I’m pretty racist. But I'm still—
BO: See? We’re making progress. But I think it can all be water under the bridge if you’ll just do one thing for me.
Now several Lizard People walk past the doorway.
DT: Oh my God, what the hell was that—
BO: Let me be clear: Obamacare has to stay Donald. It’s just that simple. Shh, shh, don’t panic. Everything’s going to be just fine.
DT: Am I real? What is real?
BO: I’ll tell you what’s real: affordable healthcare for millions of Americans. Oh, and aliens.
DT: What? Aliens are real?
BO: No, I'm kidding. Aliens aren't real. But that reminds me— it's time for daily prayer.
President Obama takes out a prayer rug and a copy of the Quran.
DT: Oh my—what is going on?
BO: I think you know what’s going on. You've known all along. Get in here, Julius.
A Lizard Person enters the room as President Obama finishes his daily prayer.
BO: Show it to him, Julius.
Julius the Lizard Person hands Trump a piece of paper.
DT: Is this your birth certificate?
BO: Damn straight, and that's the longest form there is.
DT: But this says you were born in Kenya?
BO: Oh I know what it says.
DT: So I was right the whole time?
BO: Well (pausing to take a drag), not exactly.
President Obama peels back his skin, revealing that he too is a Lizard Person. Trump loses his mind.
DT: Mother of God—
BO: God? There is no God. See for yourself.
President Obama holds up a mirror to Trump. Trump sees in his reflection that reptilian scales have begun to grow around his ears.
DT: What have I become?
BO: Come now, Donald, it’s time to meet the press. We have to go.
Trump stares into the distance.
BO: Pull yourself together man! Don’t stare into the void. It only stares back. Say it with me Donald: Big. League. Big. League.
DT: Big…League.
BO: Good, good. So you'll keep Obamacare?
DT: Big league.
BO: Fantastic. (Putting out his cigarette) Let's get outta here.
Image Credit: The Washington Post/Getty Images
