BROOKLYN, NY -- For months Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has demanded that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton release the transcripts of paid speeches she gave to Goldman Sachs. In an unprecedented turn of events, Satire V has acquired an exclusive look at the transcript of one of those speeches. Take a look at some of the shocking revelations:

 

"Hi everyone. It's a pleasure to be here at Goldman Sachs. Let's keep this short and sweet. I planned on speaking about the state of our financial system, Occupy Wall Street, and all that stuff, but plans have changed. I just found out that one of you fuckers stole my Galaxy Orb, and I'm not leaving until I get it back.

 

I was in the bathroom for two minutes. TWO MINUTES. And when I returned I found that my Galaxy Orb was not where I had left it. I asked Bill and he said that he didn't have it, so one of you little shits must have taken it. Do you understand the gravity of what you have done?!

 

Look, if you return it right now I won't blame you. I won't even tell Glackdor about it. I might tell Rozghar, but that's it, I promise. You know that I must consult the Orb each night ere the set of sun, and it's already 6 o'clock. The clock is ticking. DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE? ORDER MUST BE MAINTAINED.

 

Okay, okay, I can see that you all look confused. But don't you play dumb with me, I know you stole it. Oh God, the Shadow King said this day would come, but I didn't believe him. Oh God, oh GOD, I'm going to die. Mere minutes separate me from the Netherworld. In the name of all that is holy, GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW, OR FACE A THOUSAND YEARS OF DESPAIR!

 

Oh, hey, here it is. Just kidding, everyone. Ha, ha! Where was I? I think I'll just leave now."