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Last Surviving Band of Principled Republicans Faces Off Against Horde of Trump Supporters

Two of the survivors await reinforcement from their fellow cuckservatives.

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Looking fearfully out of the windows of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the last surviving band of principled Republicans prepared for a standoff with a horde of Trump voters.

“We might not survive the night,” said one of the Republicans, who went only by the single name “Jeb,” as the cries of vague economic populism echoed in the distance. “They tore Kasich apart.”

“They’re almost here!” a lookout from the roof called down, “Pull out your concealed weapons!” 

The two dozen hawkish fiscal conservatives pulled out a variety of firearms protected by the Second Amendment and then placed Reagan/Bush '84 buttons on their American flag bandanas. A woman wondered if they should have built a wall around the library to keep out the rabid army of nativists now running down the driveway, but the rest of the group shushed her angrily, pointing out that walls rarely keep people out of places, since they can simply go over, under, or around the barriers. 

Before the Air Force One Pavilion at the Reagan Library exploded into a chaos of shattered glass, bullets, and confused cries of “China” and “Sad!”, the principled Republicans took a moment to reminisce about how they arrived at this point. Some blamed mad scientists from Koch Industries for spreading a gas of antiestablishment anger throughout the air of GOP conventions. Others blamed themselves. Most also thought Hillary Clinton had something to do with it, but they weren’t sure how.

A man in camouflage and a “Don’t Tread On Me” baseball cap suddenly to the others, murmuring, “Wait, maybe Trump has a point.” 

“Oh, no. It’s happening,” said Jeb.

The camouflaged man began to twitch. His eyes bulged out, and he let a bloodcurdling scream before running at his former friends, screaming, “Make America Great Again!” They promptly shot him before he bit them. 

But by that point, the rest of the horde was only feet away from the presidential library. The sun had set, and a cold rain fell from the sky as the final standoff began.

© 2016