and entering

Kucinich Calls For "More Perfect Union" Between Humans, Elves

In a daring speech that put his political legacy on the line, Congressman
Dennis Kucinich has blown open the long festering debate over human-elf relations.

“For many years I have tried to come to grips with my past,” said a teary-eyed Kucinich. “But I can no more deny my elf heritage than I can deny my white grandmother, who is also an elf.”

For weeks Kucinich has battled allegations of pandering too much to the elf lobby, passing legislation that would lower tariffs on small green hats, and appearing several times with straight buckled shoes. Such allegations threatened to derail Kucinich’s fledgling Congressional campaign in Cleveland, Ohio.

Kucinich was acutely aware of the stakes that he faced, and for the past few days, he had shut himself
into his mushroom home to pen his reply. Nothing but the sight of a puffing chimney and the occasional worm-root pizza delivery betrayed Kucinich’s presence.

Early this morning, Kucinich left his fungal abode to speak at the Cleveland courthouse. It was a prescient choice: the courthouse sits next door to a grocery store, which had a large number of mushrooms that were stolen from elves. Standing
atop a pile of phone books, Kucinich boldly revealed the truth [of] his elfin past.

“I am the son of an elf from Kansas and another elf from Nebraska. I was raised with the help of an elf grandfather
who survived a depression
to serve in General Patton’s army as a tiny tank engineer
and an elf grandmother
who worked on the weapon assembly
line painting bullet casings.”

Crucially, Kucinich’s
speech did more than outline genealogy.
Kucinich discussed the nuanced controversy surrounding the elf-humans,
from the notion of elfish identity
to every elf’s desire to live with dignity and own a mushroom house. In a particularly poignant moment, Kucinich described how his elfin grandmother confessed to him her fear of “giants” who passed her on the street.

At times Kucinich’s speech swerved from grandiose allusion to big mushrooms in the sky to minutiae about Tolkien’s portrayal of the elves, but throughout, his speech’s message was one of cultural understanding.

“I would not be serving as Congressman
if I didn’t believe with all my tiny heart that [transcending historical
blood feuds between elves and people] is what the vast majority of Americans want for their country.”

The response to Kucinich’s speech has been muted, largely because elves have very quiet voices and rarely appear
on television. Speaking on their behalf, a local Democratic chair and elf apologist, Tracy Evans, said “This was the speech Kucinich was meant to give.”

© 2008