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Janet Napolitano Enraged at Treatment of Pet Cats

After returning from her trip to Europe, Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, was outraged at the White House's abuse of her twelve pet cats, which remained in Washington during the trip. Despite no obvious physical damage to the cats, or any damage at all, Secretary Napolitano contends that in her absence, her "life companions" suffered "grave
emotion distress."

Secretary Napolitano states, "I was weary of leaving my family in the first place, but it was an issue of national security and I'm after all the Secretary of Don't Fuck With America or whatever you call it. I just asked that six times a day they be fed a combination of freshly caught wild sardines, Purina premium blend, and, my favorite, mice. When I came back, Janet VII told me that they were given the same crap that Joe Biden eats."

Nonetheless, it seems that Secretary Napolitano will continue in her post at least for the duration of the year. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs says, "President Obama was very successful when he sat down with Secretary Napolitano and the twelve cats and discussed the issue over some beer."

Close friend of Secretary Napolitano, Melinda Marshall, states, "Ever since we were roommates at Vassar, Janet has been like this with cats. I think she'll cool down once she's left alone with Janets I through XI and Mr. Whiskers."

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