WASHINGTON, D.C. - In response to President Trump's executive order last Wednesday, all immigrants in the United States have collectively issued an order to publish a comprehensive list of criminal actions committed by Trump each week of his presidency.

“Between his endorsement of espionage, sexual assault, and blatant disregard for the fundamental human rights of a significant part of our population, this man presents a considerable threat to national security and public safety,” shouted the roiling mass of 42.4 million people in unison on Monday morning. “The American public must be made aware of his crimes to ensure the safety and territorial integrity of the United States.”

The order also contains a list of “bigotry boroughs” that are known shelters for Trump’s ideals and that refuse to hand over their romanticized visions of a racially homogeneous America. Upon signing the document, one immigrant attempted to read out the names of US citizens whose religious beliefs, reproductive rights, and other civil liberties are currently under attack, but could only be heard muttering “the Sioux at Standing Rock; NASA and other scientific organizations; every member of every minority group...wait, did I skip page 37? Fuck.”

The nation's immigrants have also announced plans to construct a big, beautiful wall along the southern border of Pennsylvania Avenue.