Hello everyone. I have a confession to make. I am deeply relieved Super Bowl LIII’s score was 13-3 because my brain genuinely cannot conceive of a number higher than 14.

 

It was just me and the boys, watching the big game. But I was so, so nervous. None of them knew my secret. With each Rams pass, each Brady hair flip, I was horrified that the score of either team might exceed 14. What would I say? Who would I answer to?

 

But thank fucking god. We live in a universe where I have not been able to understand 90% of prior super bowl scores. They have been analogous to the fourth dimension to me. But today was my day. 2/3/19: the day I could hang at my super bowl party.

 

What comes after 14? 14+1? I have spent a long time asking people what that number is but people keep not telling me which I think is rude. I really think if we maybe put other digits together we can maybe get a number bigger than 14, but also when I suggested “32” was a number everyone yelled at me a lot.

 

Even though Tom Brady may be a weird Trump supporter who kisses his kids on the lips, I will continue supporting him until the patriots win their next championship, which I can only assume will get them to their ZQth super bowl.