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Fearing Regulation, Pressure Cooker Sales Spike

After the Boston Marathon incident last week involving bombs fashioned from pressure cookers, millions of domestically-inclined Americans have flocked to shopping malls across the country to buy the an unprecedented amount of pressure cookers, fearing imminent government regulations.

“If we weren’t getting so much pressure from the government, we wouldn’t have to buy all these pressure cookers!” exclaimed local mom Debra Henstein, who admitted she doesn’t cook all that often because of her job. “It’s not so much protecting my cooking as much as protecting my constitutional right to boil the shit out of some over-cooked shitty chicken tetrazzini whenever I want,” she added.

Thankfully, due to the efforts of the National Organization for Pressure Equality (or NOPE), any proposed bills regulating the sale of pressure cookers has been halted and left on the Senate floor to stew for who know how long.

“It’s a relief that there are good people looking out for our rights and our food,” said Paul Lambert, a supporter of pressure cooker ownership rights. “I mean, they’ve come for our pressure cookers. What’s next? Our big gulps?” 

© 2013