and entering

Enlightened Aficionado Refuses to Tip After Study Abroad

Goldberg no longer leaves tips, but if he did, they would be in Euros.

CAMBRIDGE, MA— Area savant Michael Goldberg returned Monday after what sources describe as a “transformative” summer abroad in England, Spain, and France. After two months of immersion in European art, literature, and language, Goldberg revealed that he would no longer subscribe to the barbaric American norm of tipping.

“America is the only developed country in the world without affordable health care and education! And you know what else? It’s the only country in the world that pressures law-abiding citizens to contribute gratuitous gratuities to the ungrateful food industry!” Goldberg remarked.

When asked to comment, Goldberg’s girlfriend was impressed by the worldliness of his beliefs. “When he got back from Europe, Michael was really excited to take me out to The Kong. But after the meal, he wouldn’t let me leave a tip. He said something about the ‘commodification of service’ and threw in a bit about how ‘the society makes men pay for women,' so I decided to pay in order to fight the patriarchy.”

To show off his worldly taste, Goldberg began to share the cultural artifacts that he had purchased on his journey. Sources report hearing about a “to-scale Stonehenge model," a “matador cape," and “a snail, one you can eat”.

At press time, Goldberg remarked that his food tasted “a bit off” and that he had forgotten the “American norm” of waiters peering over at patrons while smirking.


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