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Bureau of Labor Statistics Releases Mistaken Unemployment Figures Counting Sex Acts as Jobs

WASHINGTON, DC - A recent, highly criticized study by the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics claims that the national unemployment rate has been hovering somewhere between 40 to 45 percent since the 2008 financial crisis.

The findings, which vastly contradict all previous BLS estimates, came as a huge surprise to most experts studying macroeconomic conditions.

A spokesperson for the Bureau, who asked to remain anonymous, explained that "a small clerical error was discovered by an intern over the weekend and we immediately proceeded to adjust our findings to reflect the reality of the situation."

This "small clerical error" was that for the last three years the BLS unintentionally counted various sexual acts towards their employment figures. Another spokesperson for the BLS blamed the misnomers "hand-job" and "blow-job," and defended his coworkers by emphasizing that "to be fair, people do occasionally get paid for those sorts of things."

The intern who found the mistake said he became very suspicious after a careful analysis of the Bureau's findings. "I had a hard time believing that 30 percent of all female workers were in the personal care sector. As it turned out those facials weren't happening at the spa after all."

In addition to mistaking fellatio for leaf-removal, many of the Bureau's statisticians were astonished to learn that an increase in the number of "rim-jobs" didn't mean significant growth in the auto-mechanic industry.

Although the Democrats were noticeably on the defensive after the development, they made sure to emphasize the previous administration's role in causing the financial meltdown in the first place. As Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid remarked, "I hate to resort to the blame-game but George W. created this mess, and let's not forget his name is Bush."

© 2011