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BREAKING: Large Bank Does Illegal Thing to Get More Money

Reports indicate the bank is located somewhere around here.
NEW YORK, NY -- Yesterday, in a shocking tell-all esposé, an employee of some large bank told authorities about an illegal thing they did to get more money. Apparently, this is a thing that they’ve been doing for years and years, never getting caught. Can you believe it?
“We are very sorry that this happened,” the bank said in an official statement. “We truly regret this activity, and look forward to two days from now once this is out of the news and we can get on with the next illegal thing we’ll be doing to make more money.”
The bank has a history of illegal activity, with a scandal five years ago about another illegal thing they did. That made them tons of money too, but they had to stop after authorities learned they were doing it. Ten years ago, they did a thing that made them so much money that it became illegal right after they did it.
The bank has agreed to pay over ten million dollars in fines to compensate for their activity. “Oh, what a relief,” said the CEO of the bank. “I thought we were actually going to be punished for this.”

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