and entering

Berth Control Ruling Makes Waves


In the wake of the Supreme Court's recent Hobby Lobby ruling, executives across the nation have chosen not to pay for employees' berth control. 

"It's absolute chaos out here," said Michael Sullivan, of the International Longshoremen's Union, "yachts are crashing into dinghies. People keep mixing up their jetskis and their oil tankers. And don’t get me started on the–OH MY GOD, THE ‘USS CONSTITUTION’ IS ON FIRE.”

Mike Smith, CEO of Atlas Shipping International, contends that, instead of arguing for mandatory berth control coverage, the American dock worker should focus on "being a little more selective about who he allows to drop anchor in his marina." Analysts speculate that both the SCOTUS ruling and corporate response could hurt conservative tickets in 2016, as dock workers rally against a perceived "war on swimmin'," and on aquatic activities in general.

“Remain in your homes. Love your families,” shouted Sullivan from the deck of a sinking tall ship. “The water is not safe.”

© 2014