PHOENIX, AZ – The world champion of 400 meter sprint, Olympian Wayde van Niekerk, was dethroned by thirty five year old Amazon warehouse worker Griff Brown as he stocked packages to meet the latest deadlines imposed by his supervisors.
Brown credited his superb performance to the intense workout regimen Amazon had planned for him – 1 package carry every 30 seconds, for intervals of 10-15 hours with no rest. “The main challenge is finding balance – that is, the right painkiller/stimulant ratio. After that, the work doesn’t really feel like work. Partly because I can’t really feel anything at that point, and partly because I’m technically still an unpaid intern.”
When asked for comment, Brown’s supervisor Gerald Carey said: “I try to switch up my motivational methods: threatening termination, allowing an extra 30 seconds for bathroom breaks, and threatening termination. It’s critical to think outside of the box, especially when you’re surrounded by so many of them. Heh heh. We keep it fun around here."
Brown noted the importance of consistency in training, remarking that while athletes such as Niekerk and Bolt took precious hours off to see family, Carey had arranged pillows and brooms with the approximate hair color and height of his wife and three kids.
“Carey isn’t always the friendliest guy; he just has a different way of saying he cares. Like the twinkle in his eyes when he says ‘you’re fired,’ or that one time when we asked for health insurance and he handed us DVDs of Grey’s Anatomy.”
Brown’s record came hot on the heels of another Amazon employee, John Smith, who broke the 200 meter hurdles world record when rushing to complete an order despite an abundance of parked forklifts in the walkway. For now, Brown's record remains unofficial, as OSHA officials debate whether the Amazon warehouse counts as an indoor or outdoor track, given the lack of heating.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos commented, “Amazon prides itself on pushing the envelope. We are on pace to win every medal in every Olympic event in 2020.”
At time of press release, Amazon announced the start of 1 hour shipping, announcing that workers who did not break the physical limits of human movement would face termination.
