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Abraham Lincoln Has Been Playing Daniel Day-Lewis For the Past 56 Years

Abraham Lincoln playing Daniel Day-Lewis playing Abraham Lincoln.

In a press conference following his Best Actor win at the 85th Academy Awards, Abraham Lincoln revealed that he has been playing Daniel Day-Lewis since 1957.  

“Yeah, that whole thing about the theater and the shooting and all that, it was unfortunate, but it had to be done.  I just needed an excuse to get away from my wife.  She was f—king crazy, you know,” said the 16th President of the United States.  “I mean, the ends justified the means, right?  Machiavelli said that, I think.  I’m a big fan of Machiavelli.”

As Commander in Chief, Lincoln defeated the Confederate forces during the American Civil War, fought from 1861 to 1865.  More recently, he has developed into one of the world’s most celebrated method actors and has won Oscars for his portrayals of Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood and an Irishman with cerebral palsy in My Left Foot.  According to Lincoln, the switch to acting was one of the best decisions of his life, and he has never regretted it for a second.

“There’s just something magical about it, don’t you think?  The cinema.  Your name up there in big bright lights, the red carpet, the crowds, the cameras, the paparazzi.  It’s wonderful.  The 13th Amendment was great and everything—I mean, without it, I couldn’t have won the Oscar—but it simply pales in comparison to The Last of the Mohicans.”

“So much has changed since the 1860s,” he continued.  “It was just the daguerreotype and stage theater when I was a boy, and I never really liked going to the theater.  But once the talkies started, boy oh boy was it great.”

Other Best Actor nominees from this year’s batch of films are decrying President Lincoln’s most recent award, claiming that he shouldn’t be honored for portraying himself.  

“It doesn’t seem right.   It doesn’t seem right at all,” said Hugh Jackman, who literally starved himself for his role as Jean Valjean in Les Misérables, the idiot.  

Scientists welcomed the revelation as a new source of study in aging treatments.  Though he doesn’t look a day over 55, President Lincoln in fact just celebrated his 204th birthday, in what was described by People magazine as “a night of debauchery and independent film-watching”.  

When asked about the secret to his age, the American hero mumbled something unintelligible, and took a nondescript gold ring out of his pocket.  Soon after that, he disappeared.  His agent says that his next role will be that of Nigerian antihero Okonkwo in the film adaptation of Chinua Achebe’s classic, Things Fall Apart.  


© 2013