‘Ello luvs. We’re One Direction, international boy band sensation, and more importantly, the new proud owners of SatireV. We couldn’t be more chuffed (“excited,” for you Americans) to Save You (the organization) Tonight from financial ruin since, you know, no one ever joins their business comp.

You might be wondering what could possibly drive a group of extremely handsome, rich, and talented young lads such as ourselves to buy out a student organization at a school none of us attend. For years, Simon Cowell didn’t let us choose what products we sponsored – the only time we got to plaster our faces onto something we actually cared about was when Colgate put out One Direction mouth scrubbies (“toothbrushes,” for you Americans). We had No Control. We were like Na Na Na. Well, we’re so rich now that he can’t keep pimping our likeness out to literally every single brand that exists, so now we get to put our insane wealth towards our passion projects, like more mouth scrubbies. Oh, and SatireV.

From the very moment we stared deeply into SatireV’s moon-sized emerald orbs, we felt pulled to them. There was something so shy about them, like they were insecure, like they didn’t know they were beautiful. But we knew, and we stayed Up All Night thinking of ways to show it.

When we approached SatireV with our offer, their presidents Ellie and Rehan just said, “No, we’re not like other satire organizations. We only listen to indie bands, like the Arctic Monkeys. Our only hairstyle is a messy bun.” But we didn’t want those other, worse satire organizations. We don’t wanna be like them. Nothing can come between SatireV and us. After a lot of groveling, Happily their Stockholm Syndrome (“business sense,” for you Americans) kicked in, and they saw how devoted we are to getting the people of Harvard – nay, of the world – to see what makes SatireV beautiful. Our first major change? This is now SatireY/N.