Our community is deeply saddened to announce that the String in the hoodie that local teen, Craig Arnold, has been wearing for but hardly a year, slipped away violently in Arnold’s sleep while in the washing machine this Thursday evening. The String is survived by its longtime partner, the soft pink Hotline Bling Hoodie, whose loving devotion can best be understood in its ability to always provide a dark, extensive expanse for the String to insert itself into; certainly all that one can hope for in a lover.
Welcomed into the world by a heavenly circle of child laborers in a factory on June 19, 2019, the String was destined for predetermined ephemerality, because, well -- damn it, you’d think these brands would have it figured out by now, right?!
The String was adopted by Arnold soon after via a shady exchange with Etsy and spent its life being a really chill, genuine, organic fabric, known to friends and acquaintances alike as “The Girl Next Drawer.” The string was an avid dancer, always bouncing around to the beat of its owner. It was also known for being chewed to a sopping wet pulp during lectures, its slight off-color tint from always barely dipping into the tomato sauce on a lunch tray (a risk taker, most definitely), and "just hangin’" in the closet.
Arnold expressed his condolences earlier this week, recalling, “Duuuude, are you kidddding me? Like I kinda knew this was coming because it kept doing the thing where each day one side gets a little shorter and the other side gets annoyingly longer, then you try to make them even but just end up bunching the hood and sweating...but still, fuck.” A beautiful sentiment in this tragic time.
All are invited to honor what happened by donating egregious sums to the Champion crewneck inventory at Urban Outfitters in an effort to avoid such tragedies from persisting. In this trying time, Craig is accepting condolences in the form of Hot Topic gift cards.
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