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Frances McDormand Knows What You Did and Now She’s Outside Your House with a Gun

Oh man, I think she knows what you did.

Two time Academy Award winner Frances McDormand, known for her roles in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri and the determined Police Chief Marge Gunderson in Fargo, was found Friday evening standing promptly outside your sub-par beige suburban ranch with a Glock 17.

Reached for comment, your disappointed wife gave us a detailed account of the incident.

“The Carbon Monoxide detector went off around 11 and our kids Spencer and Lily came running into the bedroom in tears.  That’s when my husband and I looked out the window and saw Frances bathing in the street light licking her lips.  I should have known.  He’s been ‘going to play Bridge’ every Thursday but his only friend is Todd from HR and he can’t even play Apples to Apples with our children.”

Authorities were called by your nosy neighbor Helen but shortly left the scene after arriving.  Officer John O’Brien provided information.

“We got the call around 10:45 and came as soon as we could.  When we turned onto Hawthorne and saw Frances, we just kept driving.  She’s been doing this for months now, but stuff definitely picks up around Emmy season.  She likes to stake out the parking lot at Freddie’s, the local adult video store.  Last time one of our guys tried to arrest her, she stripped him bare, stuffed an apple in his mouth, and branded ‘BITCH’ onto his rib cage.”

When approached for interview, McDormand looked our reporter dead in the eyes and recited his Social Security Number verbatim.  Updates to come as events unfold.

© 2019