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Flawed iOS6 Maps Thwarted Recent Terrorist Attack

Boston Police are uncertain if Fruit Ninja played a role in Monday's botched attack.

On the morning of Monday, October 22nd, two armed men in a vehicle drove by an adult entertainment store and reportedly launched a rocket-propelled grenade into the shop, killing two regulars and a store clerk, and also injuring Boston Mayor Menino.  As Bostonians wait to hear news of their mayor, who is expected to make a full physical recovery, new details have emerged about the attacks.  The new Maps app of iOS6, which has been criticized as highly inaccurate, apparently gave faulty targeting information to the terrorists, potentially saving dozens of young lives.

Recovered security camera footage of the area just outside the shop shows the two suspects standing in the parking lot, tapping on their phones and appearing confused.  After ten minutes, they got back into their car, fired the RPG into the shop, and drove away.  Police later apprehended two men they believed to be the suspects appearing on the security footage. The men were spotted driving an SUV covered in “Death to America” bumper stickers.  After subsequent interrogations, police found that the two suspects had originally planned to blow up a nearby daycare, but having relied on the Maps app to reach their destination, the men failed to find their target.

Store owner Bert Deals, unharmed in the attack, told reporters “I couldn’t understand why someone would attack such a pure and innocent small business.  We’re a vital part of this economy and universally considered good.  Now it all makes sense.”  Fortunately, his insurance company covers terrorist attacks on his building.

Later, Deals added, “This new information does explain why more customers have been bringing and leaving their young kids in the shop.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook recently apologized this week for the app, but after hearing the news, he simply said, “Even when we mess up, we’re awesome.  You’re welcome, America.”

Police still believe this was an isolated attack, and Apple is expected to keep their crappy maps.

© 2012