GRAND RAPIDS, MN -- Upon arriving at the McAvoy residence for his winter break, Francis McAvoy, 21, discovered that his maternal aunt Arleen Schaffer had suddenly become an expert in American foreign policy. McAvoy was impressed by his aunt's clear knowledge of the immigration crisis during a twenty-minute, red wine-driven press conference over dinner about how the U.S. should deny asylum to refugees. Schaffer continued to expound on how “all those Syrians just need to fix their country, rather than coming over here to ruin ours,” and how “Obama is driving this country to ruin.” This command of the American political landscape came as a surprise to McAvoy, as his aunt did not even vote in the 2012 election.

McAvoy was further surprised to discover that Schaffer, who received a B.S. in Hotel Management from the University of Minnesota in 1982, had somehow managed to gain a complete and nuanced picture of domestic policy as well in the four months that he had been away for fall semester. McAvoy was won over by Schaffer’s argument that indeed, “all lives matter,” and reportedly found himself intrigued by her statements about how “the gays can be gay, but I just don’t think it’s right for them to just, you know, throw it in your face.”

At press time, Schaffer, who had apparently gone to law school as well, was launching into a legal defense of George Zimmerman.