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Area Man Will Have What You’re Having

Johnson will just have whatever it is you’re having.

BEND, OR – After careful deliberation and an exhaustive review of every item on the menu, Earl Johnson, out to lunch with you at a local diner, will just have whatever it is you’re having.

Johnson, dressed in his best Hawaiian shirt and third-best pair of cargo shorts, was presented with the menu as you were seated and opened it with gusto. His confidence soon waned, however, as he discovered the mammoth extent of the pages’ contents.

“He seems to be having trouble deciding even which section of the menu to order from,” noticed a woman at the next table over. “He’s looked at countless varieties of bacon and a million different pasta dishes.”

“Goshdarnit!” Johnson exclaimed, looking up at you from the page describing pancakes. “It’s 1 in the afternoon, and that’s hardly a time for a principled gentleman to be eating scrambled eggs!” The balding yet genial man quickly flipped to the page of lunch entrees and continued to peruse the dizzyingly large array of options.

“After a few minutes, it seemed like he was getting close to making a decision,” said Tony Smith, the waiter. “I was about to go over and take his order when he looked at the specials menu and began muttering phrases like 'soup du jour' and 'sides.'"

As Johnson continued to engross himself in the multitudinous menu options, the complexity overwhelmed him, and his hand writhed through his thinning locks, forehead crinkled in consternation.

While you sat there hungry, the distressed Johnson continued to contemplate his predicament. Sweat began beading up on his brow, his breath quickening, as he frantically scanned page after page of meals. Then he realized that he could rely on your order to give his palate clarity.

Upon hearing you were ordering something with mushrooms, Johnson panicked and broke down in tears.

© 2017